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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 132
The Mafia Gazette Issue 132 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 16th March 'VIOLENCE REACHES RECORD HIGH ' By Gazette Reporter The Nine Cities last week witnessed a record death toll as inter-familia violence erupted across the country. The streets were awash with blood, bullets and brains for a number of days resulting in the deaths of a number of high profile members of our community. Funeral Directors, morticians and street cleaning services have reported an unmanageable increase in business, resulting in waiting times of more than two weeks for funerals reported in the busier mob districts of LA and Chicago. Arrest rates have not increased in line with the violence however, with national police forces seemingly struggling to identify and detain suspects. Made Woman Mrs-Glowy, allegedly ranked up by West Coast figurehead Ronin and having established a rogue HQ in Las Vegas, set her sights on taking out high profile members of East Coast families, killing notable community members Powerslide and Jameson amongst others before directly attacking the Chicago Clientèle family. The Concept-offshoot was subsequently left considerably weakened as Mrs-Glowy was intercepted by police and arrested, only to be found dead in her cell hours later. Ronin went on to attack The Clientèle himself, moving through Chicago and eventually to New York, killing JosephZerilli and TheFrenchTaunter before becoming the latest victim of shoddy gunsmithery. Losing his life when his pistol misfired, his death echoed the last act of the late, great Albert-Neri, amongst a few other lesser-known instances in recent history. The Chicago outfit then went on the offensive, with Mr_Clientele, GaetanoLeonardo, and Fergall heading out West to eventually decimate the remaining Made Men of Las Vegas. Other notable losses during the bloodshed included Mades Torres, MisterMerc, ActorBrando, Pale_Rider, 4514 and Creep, as well as Capo Tony-Montana. The spate of attacks has now thankfully ceased, leading to a period of calm and the inevitable speculation as to who will fill the power vacuum left in it's wake. 'ATLANTA BOSS STEPS DOWN ' By Randle_McMurphy The East saw a new twist in their tale this week as Boss of Atlanta crime family The Delinquents, Tarby, announced his retirement from leadership. It is believed the pressures of mafia life took their toll on Tarby, who has now chosen to pass the reigns to somebody with more enthusiasm for leadership than he currently possesses. CadienceRobson, Capo and former Underboss of The Delinquents, took to the streets to publicly announce the switch, and received a warm and supportive audience. The long-time Mafioso announced that little would change with the family under her leadership, and that she hoped to continue the legacy that Tarby has begun with the Atlanta outfit. It is not known if Tarby will ever return to the life of crime, although detractors have already labeled him as “The worst quitter ever”, after the former Boss was seen wandering our streets practically every day since his “retirement” was announced. Other rumours stating that the constant skirt-wearing jibes were the reason for his departure are as yet unfounded, though it is believed that Tarby just doesn’t have the legs for his lady-garments any longer. In all seriousness, we wish both the Atlanta outfit and its former Boss the best of luck for the future. 'THE ACCOUNTANT ' By Totally_Guitarded Many stories have been going around about this man of late. For those of you who don't know him, he is the man who offers to make you disappear, and according to recent reports he means it too! You go to this man, give him your money and he will help you fake your death and give you a new identity... Perfect for those of you in a little trouble. Of course, most of the time the police figure out your true identity and eventually people find out who you really are. But it seems that this accountant guy does not appreciate all his hard work and effort going to waste in this way, and around a month or two after these peoples true identities have been discovered, they just 'disappear' without a trace. At first it baffled experts, but now there is a clear link between the victims: they all managed to piss this accountant fella off. He has managed to claim some famous victims, including Jameson, Al_Dodds, Mr_Clientele and a few others, these are well known, highly ranked people who are appearing to be defenceless against this ruthless serial killer. So this is a public warning to anyone, if you meet this man, just walk away. Business with this man is at your own risk. If you take up his offer and then get found out, you too are likely vanish of the face of the earth. 'DISAPPEARANCE OF A TRUE LEADER ' By hazard2 After the recent bloodshed and the end of the recent war between the Dragon's and the Clientele family, some would call the victory short lived by the Chicago based family. Shortly after the death of the final Dragon Leader Pale Rider Mr. Clientele was nowhere to be found. Every trace of him has been removed like he never existed. The only remnants of him are the family he started and the memories of his friends. Mar. 13 was a day of remembrance for him by his friends and family and they took to the streets to hold a candle light vigil for their friend and boss. Mr. Aphex was quoted in saying "he was without doubt, the greatest friend and ally I have ever had round these parts" as he led the remembrance in the streets. "Our only consolation is knowing that somewhere, he is sat on a boat in the sun, sipping boat drinks with Bugsy_Siegal, Jameson, Paulo Gismondo, Al_Dodds and other figureheads, cruelly chosen to be swept away and never to return." he went on to say. Many men and women alike are feeling the same way as Mr. Aphex. There are also talks that with this disappearance many close friends and family will be heading back to the old country never to return. Only time will tell what exactly happened to this great leader. The police are still working around the clock investigating how one so well known could pull a disappearing act of this magnitude. More to come as it breaks... 'DEATH OF AN ICON ' By Lucky_Lewis Ernesto Taridelli appeared on the streets of Dallas on a quiet morning in the distant past heading back into May of last year. He was hired on the spot by Rosario Porello of The Conceptualist faction and was soon found himself as chief of security in Porello’s legion of over a dozen bodyguards. He was the longest serving member of Porello and after the untimely death was hired by notorious killer Bugsy Siegel before a sum rumored to be in the region of 10 million was paid by a descendant of Porello’s to return him to the service. While there he spent many months as loyal companion of the one known in the inner circles of this life as ‘Rupert’ through a variety of situations and blood kin Ernesto always made his way back home to him. He was there when Sarwan attempted to attack Puck and witnessed the massacre which saw Cannibal lose his life. Following that Ernesto spent a long period of time in the service of Molly M, the slot baron executed on charges of identify theft, fraud and murder before being added to Wes Mantooth’s entourage of followers. When Mr. Mantooth died of wounds received from an ammo man and Kaspar, his son, officially renounced his claim to the Mafia life Ernesto joined Mr. Clientele where he finally perished in a large battle with the Dragons. Ernesto was a stalwart of the community and a well known, respected figure as a man who could get the job done and his death hit the Taridelli family hard. All aspiring bodyguards need take only one look at this fine gentleman to realize that their purpose in life is indeed a noble cause. Ernesto served notorious killers through out his entire life and it is only fitting that he find a place in the newsprint alongside the one he died protecting. 'ON THE COBBLESTONES ' Our round-up of the latest hot topics on the streets, by 7 of Spades. Chicago and Vegas continued to battle it out at the beginning of the week following the bloodbath of the previous three days. Words were exchanged rather the bullets after Lith walked onto the streets proclaiming that the demise of the Las Vegas Dragons at the hands of The Chicago Clientéle was little more then a few ounces of luck with a sprinkling of bad tactics. Moustachio, Fergall and others were in no mood to sample this Vegas dish, outlining that this excuse was a poor attempt by the Dragons trying to redeem their shoddy cooking. That aside, Lith also was not too thrilled with certain words expressed in some Dragon members funerals, especially those of Made Men, who in had in his view, fought valiantly to their last breath despite their effort being a lost cause. Well that opened a can of worms to say the least! Randle_P_McMurphy put their actions down to sheer stupidity, Provenzano was not so keen on calling these Made Men, ‘men of honour’ in the first place, and so respect not so forthcoming. Sharp_Shooter, a man of honour himself, expressed to Lith that he was “shocked that you place Actor_Brando in the same breath as Ronin, Actor is the dimmest of all dime bars and was a waste of space”. Lucky_Lewis, who has been known to express his feelings publicly with regards to Vegas, dropped by to dissect Lith’s speech, which in turn was dissected by Lith himself. All in all, a heated argument from many cities perspectives. What can be said though, despite tensions and strong words being thrown about, it stayed on the streets and didn’t continue into the cemetery, which given this day and age, is a credit to all who were involved, especially Lith. Most people would have called it a day after the first volley of outbursts, but without receiving a single voice in support of his cause, stood his ground throughout the discussion which is admirable no matter what side of the fence your on. Miami crime boss JackCarter took to the streets later on that day in a separate incident beating the crap out of some ‘young punk’ as he put it, for talking to him in a manner not befitting his standing within our community. Mr. Carter was quick to point out though that willing to listen to people who have the right decorum but for those are verbally challenged, for the love of God, stay away! The mafia women will no doubt be hoping for another chance to see Mr. Carter flex his muscles in the coming weeks. Not everyone was taken back from all the chatter, Darkside skipped onto the streets happy that people were talking again and hoped to see more of it, a little less hustle and bustle and a bit more harmless banter was his plea to the populace, I say give the man what he wants, he’ll just complain otherwise…ironic in a way. Due to Mr_Clientele’s unexplained disappearance from our community at the start of the week, there was a ceremony dedicated to the Chicago family head. Due to the absence of any body, cemetery officials refused to dig a whole that would not be filled. Many people paid their respects to the crime boss who is presumed dead. A number of Made Mafiosi from different families took the time out of their busy schedules to drop by for a moment to show their respects, all in all, a peaceful farewell to an admired and sometimes feared gentleman. His successor, Moustachio took to the street later on in the week, outlining the new course The Clientéle will be taking, with many people coming out of their local haunts to show their support. There must be something in the Made Mafiosi’s water this week, CadienceRobson gave a warming speech in regards to her new role as head of the Delinquent family. Boss Tarby has stepped down for an extended or perhaps permanent period, leaving the family in the safe hands of the beautiful Capo. Tarby will be greatly missed throughout the community but if anyone can fill his shoes, Cadience is sure to do so. Rumour has it, the Atlanta Boss liked to amble about in three quarter length skirts, high heels and don lip stick on the weekends, so the transition under Cadience’s leadership has been quite smooth. We wish Cadience all the best in her future endeavors, even if she has stolen some of our reader base with her Inquirer, which we here, employs dwarves below the minimum wage bracket. 'JAIL CONDITIONS ' By Totally_Guitarded On Tuesday March 13th Yashimoto-Sakura was happily going about his daily jail breaking routines, he snuck into the Atlanta jail yard, risking his own ass for these prisoners freedom, and made his way to the cells. On reaching the cells he began to skillfully unlock the doors. All was going to plan as prisoners ran out into the freedom of the early evening, until he reached that one cell. Yashimoto opened the door to find its inhabitant not moving, as he tried to wake the man up, the Miami Gangster realised that the prisoner wasn't moving and was indeed dead! Ant was busted out of jail at 6.13pm, 10minutes after he was officially announced dead by doctors. Now we are still not sure exactly how this man died, perhaps he annoyed one of his fellow inmates, met our friend Bubba in the corridor, or perhaps the food in the jail is worse than we ever thought it to be. As Yashimoto ran out into the night to tell people about the ordeal he had just been through, some by-passers announced to him that this is not the first time this has happened. It seems on multiple occasions people have opened cell doors to find nothing but a corpse inside. So this is a warning to everyone, to be extra careful if you get arrested, keep an eye out for Bubba, Shanks and be wary of the food. You wouldn't want to fall asleep in there and never wake up. Also a warning to jail breakers, that it is not a job for the weak of stomach. 'EDITORIAL ' Dear Readers, Thank you for waiting. I’m sorry the paper hasn’t bee about much of late, but that was unavoidable, but now we’re back, and with a new team of writers to give the old dog a shiny new coat. I’d like to thank the other newspapers out there for keeping the public ticking over with information while we’ve been gone, and encourage readers to go grab every publication that they can, a diverse spectrum of news is always a good thing, after all, knowledge is power. We will be bringing you a round-up of recent events over the next few issues, just as a nod to the happenings that are perhaps beginning to become old news, but that we did not manage to cover in our absence. These will in no way make up the bulk of the paper, so feel free to skip them if you want. I hope to maintain the high standards of The Gazette set by my predecessors, and would invite anyone to drop by The Gazette head office in Chicago if they ever want to chat to myself or the staff, our doors never close (unfortunately, I actually have a pillow under my desk…) Thanks again for your continued support, Randle P McMurphy Editor – The Mafia Gazette 'THE OLD MAN SAYS ' Acceptance… You know, in this thing of ours, there’s a lot of times when we just have to sigh, give a shrug, and accept the circumstances around us. There are many things that are just out of our control, and trying to change them is just going to get you killed, for sure. Acceptance is a quality that many lack, and should strive to master. Being able to accept circumstances beyond your control can sometimes be seen as a weakness, but I’d bet you every dime I have that anybody heckling you over this will be in the ground long before you. Wars have continued unnecessarily for months because the few lacked the foresight to start rebuilding their empires rather than concentrating on relentlessly pursuing those few left alive that helped bring it down in the first place. Arguments have carried on over generations because neither side could stomach swallowing their pride and accepting it was going to do them no good. People need to be more easy-going in this life, it’s dangerous enough, without giving yourself an ulcer worrying about things that you cannot and will not change. I’m not saying you should lay back and let everything just wash over you, there are things in this life that we can and should fight for, all I’m saying is take a little time to consider whether the situation in front of you is one you should accept, or challenge, as often people can go rushing in without even thinking about whether or not they’re actually going to make a difference. Remember, fighting a battle that you cannot win is neither brave nor heroic, it is just plain dumb. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' By Randle_McMurphy The Mafia Gazette is back and once again recruiting! Following a highly successful advertising campaign, The Gazette is currently boasting a good stock of writers, both part-time and full-time, but we’re always looking for more. If you would like to write for The Gazette, please forward a sample article to Randle_McMurphy, it’s simple as that! Pay: $100k-$250k per article + possible bonuses